you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
