at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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