The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
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