it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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