first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
