Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
