whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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