Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
