It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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