mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
