sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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