every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
