Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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