If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
