worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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