she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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