My liver just broke up with me...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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