dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
