so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
