come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
