I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
