My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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