OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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