Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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