Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
