Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
