you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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