Ketchup is God's man juice
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
