dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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