Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
