I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
