It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
