I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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