Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
