And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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