I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
