My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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