grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
