I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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