mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i drank out of a bidet.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
