I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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