phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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