I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
