Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
