while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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