Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
