I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
