Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My penis needs a shock collar
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
