Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
then he tried to convert me to islam
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
