she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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