her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
